I truly believe that if you kill desire you kill life. Several years ago I was married and my desires were buried deep inside of me. I think that they were trying to burst out because I felt myself constantly walking on eggshells. I was married and living the perfect fairytale that I had planned for myself except I realized this isn’t my fairytale, this is society’s fairytale.
Can you relate to wanting to find the perfect guy who adds up to everything you wanted on paper – who looks amazing standing on the alter with you – who any girl would be envious to marry because it looks like the perfect relationship? I know it’s hard to even admit it out loud. But that’s how I felt and I hated that I wanted to leave him. We hadn’t had sex in months and I got to the point where my body response was to withdraw if he tried to initiate sex. I realize now that not being seen or heard as my true self was causing this response. He wanted me to be my “old self” that I had portrayed but I couldn’t go back to hiding. (It’s hard to explain because I didn’t know I was hiding when I met him, but I knew that there was more to me now) I hope that makes sense.
The final straw for me was reading a book I had been avoiding for a couple years called Mama Gena’s Owner’s And Operator’s Guide To Men by Regena Thomashauer. The very last chapter is called Monogamy: Time for a new model? There was a quote at the beginning by Rita Mae Brown that says “I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” That resonated with me so much.
Then I came to a question – Do you think it would be fun to be totally monogamous? – Immediately I felt a pit in my stomach, my heart sank and I said a resounding NO.
Then I read a lot of other options that I had never considered – Do you think it would be fun to be partially monogamous and have a few fun flings? – Do you think it would be fun to have a series of passionate affairs over a lifetime? – Would you like a man to support you? Would you like to support a man? How about several lovers at a time? Whoa these are options? Like, we’re allowed to create our own relationships according to our own terms? MIND BLOWN.
First I knew that I needed to go on a path of self discovery which led me to taking Mama Gena’s Mastery course and then discovering my mentor Jaiya. I want to share my experiences and my story so you can know that there are other ways to create your life on your own terms.
I have one more piece of this journey that I feel I need to share. While all of this was going on I was able to name a feeling that I had had my entire life. I was attracted to men and to women I just didn’t know what that meant – that I was bisexual. I had been told and shown that that part of me was wrong so I didn’t accept it.
I wanted to share my story because if you can relate to this I want you to know that transformation is possible. That there is light at the end of the tunnel. That there are other ways to create the life of your dreams that might be off of the beaten path. It took a lot of courage to move beyond my marriage and the box I was living in. It also took a lot of support and mentors and classes – and I am no longer a prisoner to the pain of my past.
I found my way through some deep mud and sorrow and divorce and heartbreak – but I have come out on the other side stronger and knowing my deepest desires which are my deepest truth. If you’re interested in learning how to do this as well I hope you’ll send me a message or schedule a session – reach out and I promise you can create transformation as well.